REFLECTIONS: SHAME & REALIZATIONS

Today, I had the chance to meet my friend Jenna for lunch while in San Angelo for work.  We'd never had a good opportunity to really get to know one another so this was a joy for me.  During our conversation I got to learn more about Jenna but I also learned a few things about myself as well.  I learned how unappreciative I was as a child.  You see, my parents divorced when I was eight.  My mom, sisters and I had to move in with my grandparents because my mom couldn't afford a place of her own.  I grew up ashamed that my parents were divorced.  I was embarrassed that we had to live with my grandparents while all of my cousins and schoolmates had perfect homes and families. I was embarrassed that we lived in the "green house" on the "bad" side of town.  I was embarrassed that we had to use food stamps and medicaid. I was ashamed of my cheap clothing and my dad's squeaky car.  During fourth and fifth grade I made it into the gifted school.  It seemed like everyone at this school was rich and white. I remember having to do a group project at another girl's house and it was beautiful. And I was jealous.  I had to share one room with my two sisters and my mom.  Obviously, I never volunteered my home for group projects. 

Now that I reflect on those childish thoughts I had all those years ago, I am ashamed.  That small bedroom made the relationship between my sisters, mom and I so much stronger than any 4 bedroom home could ever had.  We were forced to get along because where else could we go?  I am thankful for that and for being able to grow a strong and loving relationship with my grandparents.  Our Spanish skills are better thanks to my grandparents too. 

I didn't have my own room until I moved to Lubbock for college when I was 20 years old.  That was such an exciting time for me.  I thought for once I'd have peace and quiet and be able to be alone when I wanted to.  After a couple weeks I missed all the noise and people I was so used to.  I didn't realize how much my family was embedded into my being.

I thank God for experiences and realizations like these.  I am that much more thankful for all I have now.  I'm thankful for my loving husband, my home, my dogs and especially for my mom, grandparents and sisters.  I'm thankful that I never allowed that shame and jealously to slow me down or stop me from getting where I am today.  It may not be very far to some, but I know it's one step closer to the place where God wants me to be.